


The Truth Runs Wild

by Gansey44



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Lukas is the coolest guy in school, M/M, Rose has more of a main part because I love her, but he's also a rude ass hole, just fluff!, motocross race, there's no murder plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-16
Updated: 2016-11-25
Packaged: 2018-08-31 09:29:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8573116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gansey44/pseuds/Gansey44
Summary: When Philip Shea moves in with his new foster parents, all he wants to do is leave the small town and get back to his mom.Lukas Waldenbeck, the resident popular-kid jock, is the king of their school and a class-A dick.Philip never expected Lukas would even like him, let alone fall for him...(Based off the USA Network show 'Eyewitness')





	1. Chapter 1

As if today couldn't have got any worse- he now had a flat bike tyre.

Fantastic.

Philip had been riding down the lane to his foster parent's house- it still felt weird to think of it of his house- when he heard a little hiss and all of a sudden his bike had jerked before grinding to a halt. Apparently the wheel had been torn by a stone or something; it had completely sagged and it definitely didn't look like he would be able to ride it anytime soon. Which was great, seeing as Helen and Gabe's house was still a ten minute ride away and he'd have to wheel it the whole way there.

"Really?" he muttered under his breath, giving it a half-hearted kick. "Anything else going to go wrong today?"

He didn't really notice the low drone until the motorbike had rounded the corner, appearing through the trees at a high speed until it swerved to a careless stop beside him. The guy riding it removed his helmet.

Philip's day took a sudden, definite upswing. He was extremely cute.

"Are you okay?" asked the guy. He seemed almost nervous, not looking directly at Philip, instead peering at his bike.

"My bike has a flat tyre." Philip was definitely checking him out- too-long blonde hair, slanted cheekbones and almond-shaped blue eyes, not to mention definite wiry muscles under his white shirt.

"Ah, shit. If you want I can, er, fix it up for you." The boy pointed down the driveway Philip had stopped in front of, a long dusty road leading to what looked like a farm at the bottom. "I live just down there. It's really no problem."

His shyness was endearing- the moment their eyes finally met, the other guy looked away instantly, clearing his throat. And was he honestly _blushing?_

"Really?" he asked, grateful. "Dude, thank you so much."

The other boy asked where he lived- there was some sudden understanding in his eyes when Philip replied; in a town this tiny of course it would be common knowledge that Helen and Gabe had a new foster kid- but thankfully he didn't say anything other than he would drop the bike off later.

"I'm Philip, by the way" Philip added, meeting the other boy's eyes and hoping he wouldn't look away as he smiled a little.

The other boy hesitated, but he didn't look away. "Lukas" he said finally, returning the grin, albeit a bit nervously.

Okay, maybe this town wasn't as bad as Philip had first thought.

 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

 

Pulling to a stop in the school parking lot, Helen killed the engine before she and Gabe looked back at Philip simultaneously. "How are you feeling for your fist day, son?" Gabe grinned. Philip appreciated his endless cheerfulness- it wasn't like Philip was exactly giving a lot back. In the week since he'd arrived in the town, though, Helen still didn't seem comfortable with him- she gave him an unconvincing smile, seeming like she didn't know what to say. He'd heard the foster parent advice tapes she played in the car before she hurriedly snapped it off as he'd buckled his seatbelt, but it was enough to tell him that she felt as confused and lost about all this as he did.

It was kind of nice to know he wasn't the only one, to be honest.

"Fine" he replied to Gabe, grabbing his backpack off the backseat beside him.

"That's the spirit. Just smile and be friendly, I'm sure you'll come back with tons of friends!"

Somehow Philip wasn't so sure. He hadn't had 'tons of friends' even when he'd lived in the city with his mom- for some reason kids tended to stay away from him, and to be honest Philip preferred it that way.

"Yeah" he replied, smiling back for Gabe's benefit before opening the car door. "See you guys later."

"We'll come and pick you up again, if you want."

"No, it's fine. I can get the bus" Philip said quickly. Already, he was aware of other kids looking over at them, taking a long look at the new city kid and whispering hushed rumours to one another. He hated being in the centre of attention. "But thanks though."

They both looked a little disappointed. "Sure" Helen replied, "have a good day."

He nodded and shut the door before walking up to the main building, head down.

The school was absolutely tiny, and the number of people in the halls and his registration seemed ridiculous- the whole school was only a quarter as big as the one he'd gone to back home. Which sucked, because it seemed like everyone knew who he was- as he walked down the halls whispers and lingering looks trailed after him, breaking out into sniggers. Philip tried to act like he didn't care. Hopefully it looked more convincing than it felt.

A part of him was desperately hoping he'd see Lukas- the guy who had fixed his tyre. Unfortunately Philip had been listening to music in his room when Lukas returned the bike the night before, and Gabe had been the one to open the door to him. Both he and Helen had seemed pleased he'd already made a friend. But they were hardly friends, after only one meeting, though it would be nice to see someone who wouldn't stare at him like he was absolute freak.

Just as he was thinking this, he rounded the corner on the way to his next class and- bang. He collided into someone tall and solid before he bumped backwards into the lockers, his books thumping to the floor.

"Watch where you're going, _asshole_."

Philip blinked. The guy he'd knocked into was Lukas, his face twisted into a sneer, surrounded by guys wearing identical letterman jackets. From the way people were watching and laughing along, it was clear that this was the most popular jock clique in the school.

"Hey, aren't you the new kid who has a junkie for a mom?" one of the guys sneered, provoking more sniggers from the others. Even Lukas was smirking.

A hot red rush of anger rose in Philip's chest, constricting his throat. His books back in his arms, he felt his hands tighten into fists...but then he forced himself to breathe. What would his Mom think if she heard that he got into a fight on the first day of school? What would Helen and Gabe think?

Besides, he didn't want to give these assholes the pleasure of seeing that the taunt had got to him.

"Fuck you" he muttered instead, pushing past them to catcalls and more cruel sniggering.

 

After he slammed his stuff onto the desk in his next lesson, Philip covered his face with one hand and felt his blood simmer. He'd been dealing with stupid guys like that his whole life, it was honestly nothing new, but...Lukas. Obviously Lukas wasn't the nice guy that Philip had misunderstood him to be. He couldn't get the image of Lukas and his stupid, crooked smirk out of his head.

At lunchtime Philip sat with a kid named Tommy who'd been in his photography class. Tommy kept talking to his girlfriend Tracey, who was very loud and very giggly, but Philip was happy to mostly eat his lunch in silence, plus it was better than sitting alone like a complete loser.

A sudden swell of noise made him look up from fiddling around on his camera- the table near to them was spilling over with jocks and cheerleaders, and Lukas had just approached with what Philip had now come to recognise as his signature swagger. Jokes were traded back and forth, Lukas was laughing as a pretty black girl stood up and smiled at him before they kissed, wrapping her arms around his waist. Cue more catcalls and stupid comments, to which Lukas replied to with a middle finger as he continued to kiss his girlfriend.

"That's Lukas Waldenbeck" Tracey said. Alarmed, Philip looked round to discover that Tommy and his girlfriend had stopped flirting long enough to notice him watching Lukas and his friends. "And his girlfriend is Rose Law." Tracey raised her eyebrows at him, smiling. "She's so pretty, isn't she- I bet you fancy her."

Philip shrugged. "Yeah, I guess she's pretty."

"Well they've been dating for months, so forget it" Tommy said. "Plus Lukas is like the most popular guy in the school, no one else has a chance."

"What, you don't fancy her, do you?" Tracey asked, wide-eyed.

Tommy rolled his eyes, though he was smiling. "Don't be stupid." He leaned in and kissed her.

Feeling awkward, Philip looked back down at his camera. It was honestly his most prized possession- he had a thing for taking photos, his whole bedroom was covered in glossy prints- along with his brown RAF jacket which his Mom had given him for his sixteenth birthday. He practically never took it off.

 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

 

His last lesson of the day was History, and honestly Philip was just wishing for the arduous day to be over. When he got home he could go out and take some more pictures, hopefully call his mom.

Instead of listening to the teacher, he looked out the window and let his mind wander until the door opened five minutes into the lesson and Lukas and some of his friends casually walked in.

"Do you want to tell me why you're five minutes late to my lesson once again?" asked the teacher irritably, pausing mid-sentence. "Actually, I don't even want to hear it this time- just go and sit down."

Lukas and his friends swaggered to the back of the classroom, muttering and laughing with one another as they took their seats. Lukas bumped Philip's desk with his bag as he passed, and Philip was mad enough to suspect he'd done it on purpose. What a complete dick.

"So, as I was saying" the teacher went on pointedly, "this semester you're going to be working on a paired project on a medical advancement of your choice which you'll be presenting to the class. You'll be doing the work on this out of class- I suggest meeting up at the library during study hours or after school, if you both work cooperatively it shouldn't take too long. Yes, I'm picking the pairs" he said to moans and protests, "and no, they're not debateable, people."

He started reeling off names from a list, whilst Philip doodled on the back of his notepad and half-listened. Hopefully he'd get some brainiac kid- he really didn't give a crap about school- who would do all the work for him, minus all the awkward interaction.

"...Lukas and, er, Philip..."

Philip's head jerked up. He almost wanted to laugh, this was so ridiculous. No way was he working with that asshole, just the sight of him made Philip's blood boil.

He waited until the end of class when everyone else had left, taking longer than was necessary to pack up his things, before walking over to the teacher's desk.

"Yes, Philip? How was your first day?"

"It was fine" he lied. "I just wanted to ask- can I change my partner? We...don't really get along."

The teacher raised his eyebrows. "How did you manage to make an enemy on your first day?"

Philip just waited.

Threading his hands together, the teacher sighed. "I'm sorry Philip, but the answer is no. If I let you change your partner, everyone would want to. And I understand that Lukas can be...challenging, but this counts for 20% of your final grade, so I'm sure he'll buckle down."

Somehow Philip wasn't sure. Frustrated, he thanked him and left.

 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

 

That night, Helen tried making a special meal which resulted in one burnt chicken and a lot of smoke billowing around the kitchen.

Smartly, Philip suggested a take away, so in the end they ended up sat on the back porch eating out of cardboard boxes and looking over the lake. "This is so good" Gabe said happily, taking a huge bite, before catching his wife's eye, "no offense, honey."

"I'm sure your meal would have been just as nice" Philip added, catching Gabe's eye and smiling.

"I'm ignoring that." It couldn't be denied that Helen looked like she was enjoying her pizza too. "So, Philip, you didn't really say- how was school? Did you talk to Lukas?"

He shrugged, looking down at his food. "School was fine. And no, I didn't really see him."

"Ah, that's a shame. He's such a nice kid" Gabe said. "So polite when he dropped your bike back off, Philip."

It honestly didn't sound like the same guy. For a moment Philip had to bite back his wry smile, wondering how polite Gabe would think Lukas was if he'd seen him today. "Hmm" he said finally.

"You know you can tell us if anything happens at school, right?" Helen said after a moment, watching him closely. Ordinarily, Philip prised himself on his ability to avoid ever talking about how he really felt, but it was kind of difficult when you had a foster mom who was also a cop.

"Absolutely" Gabe chimed in earnestly. "Never be afraid to share things with us. We'll always take it open-mindedly, I promise you that."

"Guys, I'm honestly fine." Philip put down his empty pizza box. "I'm just tired, that's all."

 

When he went to bed, he lay awake in bed for a long time missing his Mom, missing New York, missing his old school. There had been shitty times with his Mom too, worse than shitty actually- coming home to find her passed out cold on the sofa with needles littered around her, waiting up all night for her to come home when he was younger and when she did she was always crying, the various boyfriends over the years that had yelled and broke things- but at least she'd always been there, when he really needed her to be. At least he hadn't been completely alone.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As they work on their school project together the two boys become closer, and Philip realises that Lukas perhaps isn't as bad as he thought he was...

Despite him hoping the next day would never arrive, somehow it did and Philip found himself back at school the next morning, putting in his locker combination. Someone tapped him on the back.

When he turned and saw that it was Lukas, his expression immediately turned cold. “What.”

There were none of his stupid friends with him, but Lukas was looking rapidly up and down the corridor as if any moment someone would point out that they were talking and start laughing about it. As if he was embarrassed to be seen with Philip. “Do you want to study in the library after school today?”

Philip nodded, focusing on getting out the right books for his lessons and not on how angry he felt.

“Ok. I’ll meet you in the library then” Lukas said in a low voice before turning and striding away. Half-way down the corridor he was met by his girlfriend Rose, who beamed at him and leaned upwards to kiss him before they linked hands. After a moment Lukas shot a look back over his shoulder- Philip met his eyes for a brief second before both of them looked away, Philip scowling.

He slammed his locker shut and walked away.

 

 

Not a small part of him considered ditching going to the library, but as his history teacher had said- it was 20% of their final grade. Hopefully Lukas wouldn’t show up and Philip could do it by himself.

Taking a seat at a round table in the centre of the room, he got his laptop and started researching their topic, headphones blocking out the whispers of other working students.

Fifteen minutes later, Lukas still hadn’t appeared and Philip began to relax, relieved that the other boy wasn’t going to show up. Just when he was getting into the flow of the work, someone appeared at his side, moving restlessly.

Philip pulled out his earbuds. “Aren’t you going to sit down?” he asked flatly, not looking up from his work.

“Can’t we sit somewhere else?” Lukas asked in a low voice. Again, he was looking all around him, even though everyone else in the library was quietly looking through the shelves or sat at the computers, completely ignoring them.

Philip closed his eyes for a moment. “Fine.” Grabbing his laptop, he followed the other boy to a smaller alcove between the shelves at the very back of the library, hidden from everyone else. As soon as they were completely out of sight Lukas seemed to relax, stopping his restless movement and actually releasing a sigh as they sat down.

“So, we’re doing blood transfusions, right?” he asked as he got out his own laptop. “Do we have a plan about how we’re going to divide up the work, or…” he trailed off, seeming to realise that Philip was just staring at him, expression cold. “What?”

“What?” Philip let out a burst of surprised laugher which wasn’t humorous in the slightest. “So as soon as we’re out of sight you’ll actually be decent to me, just because you’re not embarrassed to be seen talking to me anymore?”

“I…don’t…” Lukas stuttered, his cheeks turning pink.

“You can’t be a dick to me and then as soon as we’re alone act like nothing has happened. It doesn’t work like that” Philip snapped.

Still blushing, Lukas looked down at his work, biting his lip and jiggling his knee up and down again, restless. It was almost uncanny how different he looked- somehow vulnerable and nervous, none of the arrogance or cruel swagger that had seen him knock Philip’s books to the floor yesterday. He was like a different person. Philip noticed how long and fair his eyelashes were against his cheek, and then he wanted to slap himself for noticing. _Idiot._

“I’m sorry” said Lukas finally, still not looking up. “I know I was a dick to you yesterday, but I didn’t…”

“Mean it? Sure. Seemed like you did though.”

Finally, Lukas set his jaw, impatient. “You don’t understand, anyway.”

“No” Philip agreed, equally irritable. “I definitely don’t.”

They worked in an irritable, tense silence for the next ten minutes, typing on their laptops until Lukas finally broke the silence again. “Philip?”

“What.”

Lukas paused again, eyes dancing to and away from Philip’s face. “Can we…do you think we could start over? Just forget what I did yesterday? I know I was a dick” he hurried on, “but I’m really sorry. And I just want to get this dumb project over with, just like you do- we won’t be able to do that if we don’t talk.”

He had a point. Even if Philip sort of wanted to punch in the face. Or kiss him. Either was fine. “Okay.”

“Okay?” Lukas released a breath, looking relieved. “So you’re not still mad at me?”

_Why did he even care?_ “Yeah, I’m still mad at you” Philip replied, honestly. “But I’m willing to forget that for the time we’re working on this project.”

After that Philip expected it to be extremely awkward, and though it definitely still was a little bit, they both really did just want to finish it quickly so that they could go home and in the end they actually got quite a bit of work done. By four o’clock most people had already left as they gathered their stuff and headed out into the school parking lot, where grey rain was drizzling down. Philip turned up the collar of his jacket.

His bike was next to Lukas’s motorbike in the stands, though the stand next to his had been empty when he’d arrived that morning. They both looked over at each other as Philip undid his bike lock, Lukas smiling a little bit. “Thanks for fixing my tyre” Philip said, a little grudgingly. Lukas also seemed to have polished the bike frame itself, the blue paint looked cleaner and brighter than he remembered, but he didn’t mention this.

Lukas gave him a slow grin. “We’re even now though- I was a dick, but I _did_ fix your bike. Hey. Don’t even try to deny it, dude.”

“Fine” Philip shrugged, though he was maybe smiling now. “We’re even now.”

After a beat, Lukas took a breath before saying in a very casual voice, “so, can I have your number? So that we can plan when to meet up to do the project again?”

It felt weird to exchange numbers, but Philip agreed.

Opening his mouth to say something, Lukas was still grinning when someone called his name from behind, and both boys turned round. Rose was walking out the school, wearing a patterned dress that seemed way too short for the chilly fall weather and smiling at her boyfriend. Immediately Philip noticed the change in Lukas’s body language: he stiffened at once, the easy grin falling off his face to be replaced with an arrogant little smirk, and he completely turned his body away from Philip. “Hey you” Rose said when she reached them, greeting him with a kiss.

“Hey you” Lukas murmured back, lips brushing her throat and making her giggle.

Seeming to notice Philip, she pushed him back and gave him a friendly smile. “Hey, you’re Philip, right? You’ve just moved here?”

“Yeah, that’s right. From the city” he replied, careful not to invite any further questions from her on this with his tone.

Luckily, Rose got the hint and didn’t pursue it further. “Nice. So, you and Lukas are friends?”

“We’re just working on this dumb history project together” Lukas said quickly, his tone almost disinterested. “It’s so boring, I want to shoot myself.”

In fact, once they’d finally gotten talking, Lukas had seemed surprisingly animated about the subject, even volunteering to do more work than Philip. Not that Philip mentioned this now. Obviously.

“You find everything boring” said Rose, poking him, obviously losing interest as she shivered, pulling on Lukas’s arm. “Hurry up, babe, take me home. It’s freezing.” She swung her legs onto the bike behind Lukas, wrapping her arms tightly around his waist.

“See you” said Philip, nodding at them.

“See you” said Rose, half-distracted as Lukas handed her a helmet before the two of them sped out the lot with a squeal of rubber.

 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

 

_-Are you free on Thursday evening?_

The text came through that same evening, which surprised Philip- he’d half expected Lukas to blow him off after turning all weird again as soon as Rose had appeared. One thing was for certain: Lukas Waldenbeck was the most confusing guy he’d ever met.

_-It’s Lukas, by the way._

**-I know who you are, idiot, we exchanged numbers. And yeah**

_-Shut up. Ok, I’ll pick you up at 6?_

**-Sure**

Exactly where Lukas was taking him Philip wasn’t sure- he presumed Lukas’s house, but for some reason he felt like Lukas would be too nervous and awkward to take Philip to his house. Although he couldn’t think of anywhere else they would go.

For the rest of the week they hardly saw each other except for glimpses in the halls, though both of them ignored each other completely. Lukas still strutted around like he owned the place, always followed by his group of smirking idiot friends, messing around in the corridors and disrupting the back of classes. In his head, Philip couldn’t work out how the Lukas he saw around school- confident, careless, arrogant- could ever match up to the boy he’d worked with the library- nerdy, nervous, earnest. How did he ever keep up the mask he wore around the school halls, how did he make it look so easy to become someone else? Philip was almost envious of how easily he seemed to slip into the role, a role which was respected by every student, envied by every guy and lusted over by every girl. From the way Lukas messed around in his classes and tore carelessly into the parking lot every morning on his bike, it was clear that he just didn’t care.

Which made it more confusing as to why the Lukas Philip knew obviously did care, and he cared a lot.

 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

 

Six o’clock on Thursday evening saw Philip sat on his bed on his laptop, half-hoping Lukas wouldn’t turn up. Half-hoping that he would.

A few minutes later, he heard the low roar of a motorbike engine out the window, and then Gabe shouted his name up the stairs. Jumping up, Philip yanked on a hoodie and glimpsed in the mirror by his door- messy brown hair falling over his eyes, crumpled clothes- the usual. Not that it even mattered, of course.

Already annoyed with himself, he walked down the stairs slowly so that Lukas didn’t think he was eager to see him or anything. He could hear Gabe and Lukas’s voices coming from the hall.

“…exactly you kids doing tonight?”

“We’re working on a history project together.”

“Oh, that’s great! So do you think you and Phillip are getting along?”

“Er yeah, definitely.”

The moment Philip stepped into the hall Lukas clamped his mouth shut, looking immediately awkward. Oblivious, Gabe gave Philip a big smile. “Have fun, guys. Or as much fun as you can have doing a history project. Oh, and text us when you’re on your way back, Philip” he added apologetically, “you know how Helen is, she’ll only worry.”

“Will do. See you later.”

Outside it was already dark, owls hooting from the trees. Lukas had left his motorbike in the driveway on the stand, and he swung onto it and handed Philip the spare helmet as he buckled his own on. Hesitating, Philip stood there for a moment.

Lukas glanced back at him, voice muffled under the helmet. “Are you getting on or what?”

Philip did so, cringing at how close they were- he had no choice but to hug Lukas’s legs with his own, their hips pressed together. Then there was the problem of his arms- what did he do with them?

“You have to hold on” Lukas said after a long moment.

“Right.” Gingerly, Philip put his hands on Lukas’s hips. Inside his chest, his heart was slamming against his ribs.

Kicking up the stand, Lukas shot off down the drive at a breath-taking speed, the wind rushing past them as he tore onto the main road. Alarmed, Philip adjusted his grip so that he was holding Lukas more securely, gripping with his legs even tighter so that he didn’t fall off.

Pretty soon Lukas turned off the main road down a bumpy track through the trees, the forest steadily growing thicker around them until they arrived at a small wooden cabin in the trees. When the engine stopped, the silence was sudden and deafening apart from rustling in the trees and the calls of owls and other animals.

Quickly, Philip swung his leg off the bike and handed Lukas back the helmet. It was hard to tell in the dim light, but he was pretty sure Lukas was as flushed as he was when he took off his helmet. “Where exactly are we?”

“This is my Dad’s hunting cabin. I often use it to study and stuff- it’s nice, quieter than my house usually” Lukas replied, grabbing a key from under a flower pot and using it open the front door. Inside it was cosy and small, with dark wooden furniture, a log-burning stove, knitted cushions on the sofa and a single bed with a hand-made quilt near the wall.

“More like absolutely silent” Philip replied, peering out at the dark trees.

Lukas smirked at him, a shadow of the boy who strutted around the school halls. “Scared, city boy?”

“It’s not natural for a place to be completely quiet” Philip argued, used to street noises and cars.

“Well I suppose I feel like sometimes I’m being watched.”

“What, by squirrels?” Philip grinned.

Rolling his eyes, Lukas threw himself onto the bed, sitting cross legged and leaning against the wall with his laptop in his hands.

Crouching to get his stuff out his backpack, Philip felt his camera at the bottom of his bag and hesitated- the image of the cabin through the trees would be a great one. “Do you mind if I go out and take some pictures?”

Lukas looked up, frowning. “Of the dark?”

“Yes, I want to take some pictures of the pitch blackness.” Philip rolled his eyes. “No, you idiot, I’ll take pictures of the cabin. It will look cool, trust me.”

Hanging his camera round his neck, he headed out into the cold night air and strode off a little way into the trees, pine needles crunching under his feet. He could just about see his breath clouding the air in front of him as he snapped picture after picture of the golden light spilling out the hut onto the trees.

“Philip?” he heard, about ten minutes later, before a twig snapped near him.

“I’m right here.”

Lukas made a gasping noise, before he bumped into Philip’s right shoulder and almost knocked the camera to the floor. “Sorry, sorry!”

“Dude, you just gasped very dramatically.”

“Well it’s pitch black!” Lukas shot back defensively. “I can hardly see anything. I came to see where you were, you’re taking ages.”

“I guess I’m not the only one who’s scared” Philip returned dryly, but he let his camera hang loose around his neck anyway.

Back inside, they shivered in front of the radiator as Philip clicked through the photographs he’d taken- they looked good, something spooky and ethereal about the light filtering through the shadowy trees.

“Dude, they’re so good” Lukas said, making Philip jump- he hadn’t even noticed Lukas was watching over his shoulder, thanks to his height. “I didn’t know you could take pictures like that.”

Philip shrugged, pleased and embarrassed as he turned his camera off. “You hardly know anything about me.”

Bending down in front of the fridge, Lukas grabbed two beers and chucked one of them to Philip- he was secretly very relieved that he caught it. “You’re right. Tell me three things about you then. Any three things.”

“Anything? Okay. My favourite colour is blue. My favourite band is Arcade Fire. My favourite thing to do is taking photographs.”

Lukas laughed.

“What?”

“I don’t know. They’re not real things.” Shrugging, he sat back down on the bed again, but didn’t provoke it. Something about the situation had turned awkward and stilted again, without Philip really understanding why, but it led to a few more minutes of silence as they worked.

“Hey, Lukas” Philip said finally, shutting his laptop. “Can I ask you something?”

“Depends what it is” he replied, in a way that sounded like it was supposed to be jokey but didn’t really work.

“Why are you so different at school? Right now you’re like a different person to how you act with your friends and all those people. I don’t understand how you do that.”

Lukas kept looking at his work. “I don’t act differently.”

Philip actually laughed. “Come on, you know you do. You act like you‘re this big tough guy who doesn’t care about anything. But I know you do care. About some stuff, I mean.”

“Well, what about you?” Lukas said unexpectedly, looking up defiantly. “At school you literally never speak, you always look so grumpy. But now you’re…you’re different, too.”

For a moment Philip just looked back at him, momentarily stumped. He was right, but he’d just never thought about it before. Staying quiet was just a defence mechanism, a way to slip under the radar, go unnoticed- his main goal in life. “I just don’t want people to notice me” he said finally. “It’s easier.”

“And I just want people to like me” Lukas replied promptly. “It’s easier too.”

“And you think they’ll like you more if you act that way?”

“I don’t know, they’re not going to like me if I act like an awkward…what the hell, man, is this an interrogation?” Lukas burst out irritably. “You don’t understand.”

“You keep saying that.”

“Well it’s true” Lukas muttered, sighing in frustration.

Philip didn’t reply. In truth, he was distracted by the few centimetres between their legs, and how little he would have to move to press his leg to Lukas’s. But he wasn’t stupid enough to move. Though that didn’t mean he didn’t want to.

“You’re right though- I do act different” Lukas went on in a quieter voice, fiddling with his shirt cuff. “I just don’t have to tell you the reasons why, just like you don’t have to tell me why you act differently.”

“I get that.”

“Good. By the way, I don’t like who I am at school either. Just for the record.” Lukas glanced up, smiling nervously, and Philip smiled back at him. “By the way…” he trailed off.

“Yeah?”

“It’s nothing. Just that I have this motocross race thing tomorrow night, I think most of the school are going to watch.”

“A race? That’s cool. I might come, if I’m free.” Of course he was free. He had no social life here, basically.

“Okay, cool. I just wondered if you were going” Lukas replied casually, but Philip glanced over at him to see him trying not to grin at his computer screen.

“Actually, I’d be happy to film it if you wanted, and put it up on YouTube or whatever. The resolution on this camera is sick, it would be better than using a phone. Don’t sponsors go mad for that type of shit?”

Lukas looked up quickly, beaming. “Really? That would be awesome.”

Once they’d finished their project they sat on the bed and talked about stupid stuff- TV shows and people at school, stuff that made Philip laugh- although that partly could be blamed on the beer. But they didn’t talk about anything real, as they skirted around awkward topics to discuss the easy ones, talking over each other and teasing each other until Philip found he was unable to stop grinning, as he sipped his beer and leaned back against the wall, completely relaxed despite himself.

The most relaxed he’d been in a long time, probably.

 

It was pretty late when Lukas finally dropped him back home, Philip sitting on the bike a moment longer than necessary once it was stationary before he swung himself off. He handed back his helmet. “Thanks for that. I had fun.”

Lukas tipped his helmet back so that he could talk. “So did I.” He was grinning back at him. “So I might see you tomorrow, yeah?”

“Yeah, maybe. Good luck anyway, just in case I don’t.”

“Thanks. See you around.” Lukas revved the engine and accelerated into the darkness.

For the first time since leaving his Mom, Philip found it hard to sleep that night- not because he was sad, but because he still couldn’t stop grinning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, let me know what you think! :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally Lukas gets the courage to admit that he likes Philip... :')

The next day at school, Friday, everyone was talking about the motocross race. Apparently quite a few guys were taking part including people from out of town, and it was going to be a tough contest.

"Hey, Philip, are you going to watch the race?" Tommy asked at lunch.

"I don't know. To be honest I don't really have a ride to get there."

"Oh, you need to come!" said Tracey seriously, "it's such an awesome night, the atmosphere is truly electric."

"Yeah, I can give you a ride, if you want?"

For a moment Philip glanced over to Lukas's table, busy and rowdy as ever, where Lukas was sat with Rose on his lap, people leaning forward eagerly to listen to what he was saying. "Thanks" he said finally, smiling at them. "That would be really cool of you."

 

 

That was how, at half six that evening, he found himself in Tommy's old jeep heading to the motocross track, which was about a half hour ride out of town. His phone and camera were safely in the pockets of his jacket- ' _don't forget to text us on your way back again, Philip'_ \- and there was a jittery excitement in his stomach.

When they arrived loud music was pumping from the concrete stands. The stands overlooked the track which was full of steep hills and precarious slides, tall floodlights shooting white light over the faces of already a few hundred people milling around. It smelt strongly of beer and hot dogs which were being sold from small concession stands, and the air felt charged and jangling from an excited anticipation, the rowdy noise of a crowd awaiting something special.

Somehow he lost Tommy and Tracey in the swirling crowd when they went to get drinks, but honestly he wasn't that bothered- instead he found a good spot right next to the chain-link fence at the front, so that he could film the race. When the riders lined up at the starting line, the roar of their collective engines undercutting the beat of the thumping music made the crowd go absolutely crazy, stamping their feet and screaming. It was impossible to recognise the individual faces of the competitors, but Philip recognised Lukas's white and black bike near the middle of the pack.

There was a countdown, a gunshot, and all of a sudden they were off- roaring over the sandy track and hurtling over the first jump, some of the riders doing tricks in the air. Lukas kicked both his legs out to the side like a few of the other riders, causing the crowd to scream even louder.

Tracey was right, the atmosphere was undeniably electric- Philip found himself whooping along with everyone else, even as he focused on keeping his camera focused and zoomed in on Lukas the whole way round. During the final lap, the crowd were beside themselves- people were shaking the fence and screaming their favourite's name, the tension in the air tangible. The large pack had broken up throughout the race, but Lukas was still in the front group- about seven riders all fighting to cut in front as the last yards started to fall away.

It was all over in a blur of dust and a howl of engines. Lukas had somehow managed to bag third; he pulled off his helmet as Rose's small figure darted out onto the track, laughing with exhilaration as she threw herself at him. Somewhere behind him, Philip could hear a group of people chanting Lukas's name- Lukas looked towards the stands and grinned at them, before his eyes scanned the rows until they rested on Philip for a moment. Filled with the triumph of the movement, Philip grinned at him and Lukas grinned widely back before Rose started talking to him and he quickly looked back at her.

Luckily, Philip found Tracey and Tommy waiting by the jeep- both of them were pumped from the excitement of watching the race. "Rose has just announced she's having a party at her house to celebrate, are you in?" Tommy asked as they set off.

Philip hesitated- parties weren't normally his scene, especially with his new classmates, but he thought of the look of blissful triumph on Lukas's face a moment before and found himself agreeing. The whole way there the three of them eagerly discussed the most exciting parts of the race, arguing about who they'd thought would win. "Lukas will definitely be getting laid tonight though, no doubt it" remarked Tommy, meeting Philip's eye in the rear-view mirror with a grin.

"Don't!" said Tracey, but she was laughing. Somehow Philip forced a weak grin in response, but he spent the rest of the drive a little quieter.

 

 

When they arrived, Rose's house was already absolutely packed. Which was impressive, seeing as it was huge- a gleaming white affair with a large porch, people already spilling out the front door into the garden.

As they walked up the drive Philip could feel the beat of the music thumping in his chest, in time with his heartbeat. Inside it was hot and crowded, full of loud, excitable bodies all gyrating and moving in time with the music. He spotted Lukas and Rose dancing in the middle of the room, surrounded by people. The triumph was still on Lukas's face, his hair line slightly damp as he took a sip of a beer bottle only to have it pulled playfully out his hands by his girlfriend, who leaned upwards to kiss him slowly. Philip stopped watching.

He followed Tommy and Tracey into the kitchen where they all got a drink- Philip stood and sipped his quickly, feeling awkward leaning against the counter and watching everyone else. A part of him was wishing he hadn't come, he felt so out of place. He spent perhaps half an hour talking with Tommy, Tracey and some other people he didn't really know- but mostly he was quiet and looked around, not knowing half the people they were talking about.

Eventually he muttered something about finding the toilet, moving back into the packed living room which seemed to also be the main dance floor, before a skinny brunette with green dangly earrings stopped him. "Hey!" she said, too loudly. From her wide smile and the tipsy way she swayed to the music he could tell she was drunk, but then again so was he. "Wait, don't tell me your name, cute boy. I know it. You're the new kid, right? It's, ah, Peter?" She frowned at him, giggling a little. "No, not Peter. Paul?"

"It's Philip" he told her, the beer and the music and the heat all combining to make him feel a little lightheaded.

"Philip, of course!" she beamed, punching the air like she'd just won the jackpot. "Knew it. Do you like dancing, cute Philip?"

"I'm actually looking for the bathroom-" he started to say, but she was tripping forward, pushed by someone from behind, to fall into chest.

"Whoopsie." Giggling, she straightening up, still holding onto his arm.

Clearing his throat, he said, "I'm really sorry, but I'm looking for someone. Maybe later?", before making his way past. She looked after him, head tilted like a confused puppy.

Making his way up the stairs was a little difficult, thanks to the empty beer bottles and making out couples blocking the way. Upstairs the landing was much quieter, apart from a girl having a tearful conversation on her mobile phone and another kissing couple leaning against the wall. Sighing, Philip chose the most likely looking door to his left and pushed it open.

Inside was pitch black, which completely disorientated his alcohol-muddled mind for a moment as he stepped forward. And knocked into a very solid and very real human. "Holy shit!" they yelped, as Philip yelped something similar.

Taking a hasty step back, Philip knocked into the door which swung shut behind him, before his fumbling hand finally located the light switch.

He was stood in a tiny laundry cupboard, barely big enough for one person. With Lukas Walenbeck.

The other boy was still wide-eyed, rubbing the arm that Philip presumed he had walked into. The shelves were pressing them close together, even if Philip was right back against the door and the shelves had to be digging into Lukas's back. "What the hell?" Phillip demanded.

"What the hell to you, too! Why did you just barge in like that-"

"Dude, this is a laundry cupboard! I didn't expect someone to just be standing here in the dark. Do you not realise how weird that is? Isn't your girlfriend looking for you?"

Ignoring this, Lukas asked briskly, "did you manage to get any footage of the race?"

"Yes" said Philip after a beat, still struggling to make sense of what was happening. He took out his camera and showed what he'd filmed to Lukas- fortunately, despite the jostling crowd the footage was good and clear.

Lukas whistled under his breath, grinning. "Oh, man. This is awesome. Thank you so much for doing this, the sponsors will lose their shit. You're amazing."

Smiling to himself, Philip slipped the camera back into his pocket. "I'm amazing?"

Lukas shot him a look, but he was still smiling. Pink was beginning to creep into his cheeks. "Shut up."

"You're the amazing one, by the way. On your bike, I mean- all those tricks you were doing were so sick."

Lukas was definitely very pink now, smiling down at the floor. "Thanks."

"So, are you going to tell me why you're hiding in here instead of enjoying the party that was practically thrown in your honour? I'm sure Rose is missing you very much."

Lukas immediately stiffened, his smile vanishing. "Why do you keep talking about Rose?"

"I don't know. Everyone was saying how you were going to get laid tonight, she threw you a massive party, and now you're standing alone in this cupboard."

"Fine. I am hiding from her" Lukas said shortly, his arms tightly crossed over his chest.

"I kinda already figured that out. Why, though?"

Sighing, Lukas closed his eyes for a moment. "It's tiring, okay? Always acting like the person they want me to be. I was only having a break for a few minutes, to get my breath back."

"You don't want to have sex with Rose, do you?"

Lukas's eyes flashed open and for a moment he looked so angry that Philip thought he might start shouting, but instead he sort of slumped over, expression pained. "No" he said finally, very quietly.

"Wait, you've never-?"

"No."

Philip was beyond shocked. In fact, a grin was trying to force its way onto his face and it was an effort to try and keep it off.

"You better not tell anyone that" Lukas said suddenely, fierce and all up in Philip's face. "Because if you do, I swear to God I'll..."

"You'll what?" Philip said quietly. "What are you going to do to me?"

For a few seconds Lukas glared back at him, breathing heavily. Inside his chest Philip's heart was beating hard, loud and hectic. Then, all inside of a heartbeat, Lukas moved forwards and pressed his lips to Phillip's.

There was barely any time for shock- Lukas was kissing him hard, open-mouthed and desperate, and the matching desire roared up in Philip as he kissed him back, pushing back even harder. Lukas shoved him back against the door and somehow they knocked off the light switch, but neither of them really noticed the sudden darkness. Lukas's hands were pressed against his chest now, and his mouth was open and demanding, tongue dancing inside Philip's mouth.

It was almost too much. It was too good, all at once. They were both breathless and rough and clumsy, completely undone.

Then, just as suddenely, Lukas shoved Philip away from him. For a second they both stood there in the darkness, hearts pounding, the music from downstairs distant and thumping. "What just happened?" Lukas said finally, his voice hoarse.

"You're into me" Philip replied in a low voice. "That's what happened."

"I'm not...that was a mistake" Lukas said roughly. "A mistake. That never should have happened." All at once he was barging past Philip and shoving open the door, pushing it shut behind him.

Alone in the dark cupboard, Philip leaned against the wall, stunned. One minute Lukas had been shouting at him, and the next they had been backed up against the wall, Lukas's tongue in his mouth and his hands on his chest...

Holy fuck.

Philip had imagined kissing Lukas dozens of times, but none of his best imaginings had come to close to what had just happened. He waited a few more minutes so that it didn't look suspicious, before slipping out the cupboard and heading back downstairs. In the living room, he immediately spotted Lukas pushed up against the wall with Rose, whose hands where shoved up his shirt.

Feeling a sudden rise of nausea, Philip shoved open the front door and strode down the drive. He couldn't be bothered to find Tommy and Tracey, plus the idea of talking to anyone right now was horrendous. He'd rather walk home.

 

 

It took a forty minute walk in the cold dark until he got home, and by then he was shivering and his head was throbbing painfully. When he rounded the corner, he saw that all the lights in the house were still on, despite it being nearly half one in the morning.

Shit. He was supposed to text Helen, and with all that had gone on, he'd completely forgotten. As if his night hadn't sucked enough already.

Both Helen and Gabe were sat at the kitchen table when he came in, pale and tired-looking, their faces pinched with worry. "Do you know how close I was to calling Tony and bringing the force out to look for you?" Helen said in a quietly furious tone as soon as she saw him, jumping out her seat.

"Babe" said Gabe wearily, holding up a hand, "let's not-"

"We told you to text us when you were on your way back- which you said would be no later than half ten! Did you forget your phone, Philip?"

"No" Philip said in a low voice.

"Did it run out of battery?"

"No."

"Then do you have any excuse at all for not texting us? Do you know the calls I get at this time of night about kids who were late coming home- Jesus, the stories that I could tell you..." Helen trailed off, pressing a hand to her face. Gabe stood up and rested an arm around her shoulders.

Philip could feel the guilt shrinking him smaller and smaller. He'd never wanted them to worry like this. "I'm really, really sorry. I just forgot. I honestly didn't realise how late it was."

"Is that alcohol on your breath?" Helen asked quietly. For some reason it was even worse that she wasn't shouting. "How much have you been drinking tonight, Philip?"

All he wanted to do was go upstairs and curl into his bed. "Helen, I'm sorry, I-"

"You're grounded" she said flatly.

"Fine. For how long?"

"Two weeks" Gabe replied, not looking directly at him. It hurt. "I think you should go to bed now, Philip. In the morning we'll talk about this properly, when everyone is a bit calmer and has had some sleep."

Wordlessly, Philip nodded and headed upstairs. He could still hear low voices downstairs- the reassuring tone of Gabe's low voice, the distressed murmur of Helen's.

They kept on talking for a long time.

 


	4. Chapter 4

On Monday at school everyone was still eagerly discussing the events of the weekend- the motocross race and Rose's 'awesome party'. It seemed to Philip that he was the only one not still hyped from what had happened- instead he felt shrunken and sullen, after a tense weekend with a still-upset Helen and a pacifying Gabe. Not to mention the fact that he'd been worrying about Lukas constantly. Surely he couldn't ignore him, not after what had happened between them. Not after that kiss...

Apparently, though, he was wrong. Lukas could ignore him. And he _would_ ignore him.

Every time Philip saw him in the corridor he tried to make eye contact, but Lukas just completely blanked him, as if he didn't even exist. Philip even felt desperate enough to try texting him, but he never got a reply.

By Thursday morning he felt furious enough at his treatment to snap at Lukas as he walked by with his friends. "Are you just going to ignore me forever, or what?"

He regretted his words almost as soon as he'd said them- Lukas's whole pack of friends turned to stare at him, their expressions a mix of sneers and threatening glares. Lukas himself had his eyes narrowed with real anger as he glared back at Philip. "What did you say, _faggot_?"

All his friends laughed. Lukas glanced over and forced a grin back at them, but his whole manner was stiff and wrong, like he wanted to escape. Almost incredulous, Philip stared back at him. "Speak for yourself" he muttered finally, making to push past him.

But that was before Lukas punched him in the stomach. Philip flew back to collide painfully with the row of lockers behind him. He crouched low on the ground, completely winded and closing his eyes at the pain in his stomach. Above him, Lukas and his friends were laughing. In that moment, Philip truly hated him.

He reared upright and threw himself at Lukas, throwing them both to the ground. He managed to punch Lukas in the face, causing a ferocious stinging pain to shoot up from his fist, before Lukas rolled him over and practically sat on him, backhanding him across the face. Around them a crowd was forming of jeering and whooping students, but Philip was hardly aware of anything but the blood rushing inside his head and his furious anger burning him up from the inside.

" _Enough!"_ Two teachers had rushed over and wrenched them apart, as other students rushed forward to help. Philip found himself being restrained by two burly football players, as the spot where his head had hit the lockers throbbed painfully.

Lukas was being held back by two other students, blood trickling out of one nostril. They glared at each other, both still furious. Rose had appeared and was trying to mop up Lukas's face, but he shoved her away- she stared back at him, shocked.

Philip threw off the two guys holding him. "I'm fine" he muttered.

"Right, you two" barked the teacher, pointing between them both, "headmaster's office, _now."_

 

 

"So, Philip, do you want to tell me exactly how this fight happened?" the headmaster asked gravely.

Phillip didn't, actually. He was sat in an uncomfortable plastic chair in the headmaster's office between Helen and Gabe- the worse thing had been seeing their faces when they were told what happened; it made him even more ashamed that they'd both left work to come and hear what he'd done. They probably regretted ever fostering him, not that he blamed them.

Before he'd been allowed in there had been a twenty minute awkward wait outside in the corridor with Lukas and his Dad sat opposite them. The whole time Philip had felt Lukas studiously trying to catch his eye, but he'd completely ignored him. Maybe Lukas should find out what it felt like to be ignored for once.

"It was just a stupid disagreement" Philip said in a low voice. His head was still aching. "It got out of hand, we were both just tired."

"Witnesses say it got pretty heated" the headmaster replied, eyebrows raised. "Also, did Lukas say anything to you just before the fight started? Something rude, which made you angry at him?" As he waited patiently, it dawned on Philip that the headmaster probably already knew what Lukas had said to him, which made him feel even worse.

No way was he repeating that word now, in front of Gabe and Helen, provoking more talk, more delicate intrusion into his _feelings._

"You know you can tell us anything, Philip" the he headmaster went on in a quieter tone. "If Lukas said something discriminatory, we as school need to know about it so we can act on it."

"It was just a petty disagreement, like I said" Philip replied clearly, aware of Gabe and Helen exchanging a look beside him.

"Very well" said the headmaster, with a sigh. "As you're very new to this school, and I have a feeling we're not being told the whole story right now, I'll give you one detention after school tomorrow. But you must know we don't tolerate that type of behaviour, and if you ever do something like this again the retribution will be much more severe."

He'd been expecting worse than a detention, but Philip didn't honestly feel that relieved- either side of him, Helen and Gabe's expressions were so disappointed that he could hardly bear to look at them. Though he'd proved how crappy he was again and again, they were always good to him. And then he just threw it back in their faces.

Outside in the parking lot, he didn't know what to say them. "I'll make it up to you. I didn't...I didn't mean for everything to go to crap like this."

"We just want to know what's going on with you, Philip" said Gabe gently, nicer than he had any right to be. "Talk to us."

Yeah, well that was one thing he couldn't do.

"What did the headmaster mean- what did Lukas say to you?" Helen added. "Have you two fallen out?"

"Kind of, yeah."

"Must have been pretty bad, to cause a fight." They were both waiting for an explanation.

Closing his eyes for a moment, Philip saw Lukas glaring at him in the dim light of the cupboard, before they were a tangle of desperate, hungry arms and hands and mouths.

"I can't really explain" he said finally, "but it won't happen again. I promise. I think I'm going to stay away from him from now on."

"Maybe that's for the best" Helen replied, her tone a little softer. Smiling sadly, Gabe slung an arm around Philip's shoulders and led him to the jeep, whilst Helen jokily asked what pizza they would be ordering that night.

And all Philip could think was _I don't deserve them I don't deserve them I don't deserve them._

 

 

When Philip arrived in detention the next day after school, there was only one other kid in there- a girl who looked like a freshman, head resting on her arms and apparently asleep.

"Take a seat, Philip" said the teacher behind the desk, glancing up from her thick novel briefly.

He took a seat in the back row, watching kids stream past the windows into the waiting yellow buses or into cars, laughing and waving goodbye to friends.

Though you weren't allowed to listen to music in detention- or even do work- he snuck his headphone cord up his sleeve and covered the buds by his hood. Philip was still gazing out the window when the door opened and Lukas walked in, wearing his stupid letterman jacket. He glanced quickly around the classroom before staring at Philip for a moment; Philip shot him a withering look before returning his gaze to the window.

"Surprise, surprise- the pleasure of your company again this month, Lukas?" said the teacher, raising her eyebrows.

"Don't want to break tradition, do I?"

She bit back a smile, shaking her head. "Just take a seat."

To Philip's great annoyance, Lukas took a seat at the desk next to him at the back. Copying the girl at the front, he laid his head on his arms and closed his eyes, willing time to go faster.

About twenty minutes later, he looked up when he heard the scraping of a chair. "I'm just going to the toilet- none of you move" said the teacher.

Barely a moment after the door swung shut behind her, the girl whom Philip had assumed was asleep this whole time jumped up with her bag and sprinted out.

"Doesn't look like she's coming back" said Lukas dryly, into the empty silence.

Determined to ignore him, Philip turned up his music. If Lukas thought he was going to talk to him after randomly kissing him in a cupboard before storming out, and then punching him in the stomach causing him to be stuck in detention when all he wanted to do was be at home- he had another thing coming.

There was another short stretch of silence. He could see Lukas hectically bouncing his knee, leaning forward in his seat towards him. "Philip" he said quietly. "Please don't ignore me, dude. I'm sorry."

The words burst out of him before he gave them permission. "For kissing me or for punching me in the stomach?" Damn. The ignoring tactic had failed miserably.

"Both. And for ignoring you this week, I get why you snapped at me yesterday. And for being such a dick all the time. Everything. Philip, _please_ " Lukas whispered painfully, leaning even further forward. "You know that I like you. A lot."

"Do I?" he said flatly, to disguise how fast his heart had started beating.

"Yes. I think you're...awesome, but no one can know that I...come to my Dad's cabin after this with me? Please, so I can explain?"

"I'm grounded. Thanks to you."

"Just say that you're going to the library or something to study, I don't know- make it up. Surely they won't stop you from studying?" Lukas was still leaning forward, looking at him with wide, hopeful eyes when the door opened and the teacher walked back in. Immediately Lukas threw himself back into seat, leaning back casually on his chair.

"Where did- oh, God." The teacher rubbed her face wearily, before glancing at the clock. "You can go, you two. Just don't tell anyone I let you out a bit early, okay?"

They didn't wait for her to change her mind- murmuring thanks before grabbing their bags and heading outside.

"So are you coming?" Lukas asked, holding his gaze.

Philip knew he should say no. Lukas didn't deserve anything from him, plus he didn't want to lie to Helen and Gabe again. But he opened his mouth and somehow, "okay", came out.

 

 

The fierce wind had them both shivering when they finally got to the cabin, hopping off the bike and hurrying into the vague warmth. Lukas knelt down in front of the wooden stove, adjusting the logs and lighting some scrunched up newspaper with a lighter.

Philip perched on the edge of the bed, running his hands over the hand-knitted quilt. "Who made this? Your grandmother or something?"

"My mom, actually" said Lukas, still fiddling with the fire. "She's dead" he added matter-of-factly, before Philip could ask about her. "She died when I was six."

"I'm sorry."

"Yeah. Well. I don't really remember her." He cleared his throat. "What's the deal with your mom, if I'm allowed to ask?"

 Philip swallowed. "She's a drug addict, you know that. I can't see her until she's clean- she's supposed to go to rehab, but she can't do it...I honestly don't know if she'll ever get better. She's had a really shitty life" he added suddenly, defensive. "She has to do it- to forget."

Lukas looked at him seriously. "But she has you. That's reason enough to try and stop, whatever has happened in her past."

Throat suddenly choked, Philip nodded and looked down, focusing on the swirling patterns in the quilt.

"Philip?"

"Yeah?"

"I think if she was alive, if she was the mom I imagine her to be in my head- I would have told her about you and me. Told her that I'm...gay."

Philip was quiet for a moment. "But you don't want to tell your Dad, right? Or anyone at school."

"I don't know what my Dad's reaction would be, that's the thing. Like he wouldn't hate me, but he wouldn't exactly be...happy."

"Well if you don't know, why don't you just tell him?" Philip could hear the frustration creeping into his voice. "Because I'm not going to be your bitch forever, Lukas. You can't act like you hate me in front of everyone else and then want to fool around and be...sweet when we're alone."

Lukas finally stood up, sitting beside him on the bed and taking in a long breath. "I can't come out at school, not when people like me there. You don't-"

"Don't say I don't understand" Philip said sharply, "because I do. I get that you don't want to tell them because you're this popular, soccer and motocross hotshot. You think that if everyone knew you're gay they wouldn't like you anymore, you'd lose all your respect. And I think that's...bullshit."

"What?" Lukas jerked his head to look at him.

"I mean, obviously, you will lose some respect and there will always be some homophobic idiots out there. But you told me yourself you don't like being the person you are at school- it's because that person isn't you, he's a lie. Even if you do lose some of that popularity that apparently means so much to you- who cares? At least you'll be the version of yourself that you actually like. That _I_ like."

Lukas had his head ducked down, smiling a little. "You like me?"

Philip rolled his eyes, but he was smiling a little too. "When you're not being an idiot, which is like 90% of the time."

"Hey! So...would you not mind coming out at school?"

"Not really. I was out at my old school, it was a less of a big deal there but it's hardly like I have a ton of friends here anyway."

Lukas was shaking his head. "You act like it's hardly a big deal."

"It's because it's not. People will be shocked at first, but it's not going to ruin your life or whatever. It's a bigger thing in your head than it is for everyone else, trust me."

Lukas kept looking him, his expression his soft. Looking back at him, Philip could feel something swoop in his stomach, but before he could speak Lukas slowly leant forward and kissed him.

It was different to Saturday night, which had been rough and hungry, this was soft and gentle- Lukas's lips moving against his own, gently pushing him back against the bed, Philip's hands running slowly through the other boy's hair.

Lukas moved his hands to hold Philip's face, before he kissed Philip's forehead, his nose, his cheeks.

Philip found himself laughing. "What are you doing?"

"You're just really beautiful" Lukas said in a low voice, moving his kisses down Philip's throat.

"So are you" Philip grinned, making Lukas chuckle before he leaned upwards and caught Lukas's mouth with his own, deepening the kiss. Suddenely it wasn't so soft and slow- they were kissing each other hard, meaningfully, hands sliding under shirts.

When they both paused for breath Lukas was lying mostly on top of him, both their shirts lying crumpled on the floor. Philip felt Lukas's body relax on top of his as he leant his head on Philip's chest. "This is nice" he murmured into Philip's shirt.

Philip smiled. They were both very hard, but Lukas wasn't talking about it and so neither would he. Didn't mean he wasn't thinking about it though. "Better than nice, I think."

"You're right. Awesome. Amazing."

Reaching up, Lukas threaded his fingers through Philip's. For a while they just lay there in a content silence, the fire crackling in the grate, until Philip closed his eyes and felt a feeling of complete contentment spread over him.


	5. ONE MONTH LATER

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if this really counts as a chapter because it's so short, but I thought it was important to give you guys a happy ending after last week's extremely stressful episode! (Anyone else want to punch Lukas after what he did to Philip?!)  
> Thank you so much for all the comments they make me so happy! :)

“Are you ready for this?” Philip asked Lukas quietly, smiling as they both climbed off the bike.

“Sort of.” When Lukas took off his helmet, his pale face looked both nervous and determined, and Philip felt his heart soften.

The day after he’d gone to the cabin with Lukas and they’d talked everything out, Lukas had called it off with Rose and told her he was gay. It was, apparently, the hardest thing he’d ever done. Straight afterwards he’d called Philip, sounding almost tearful- they’d talked into the small hours of the morning, about everything and anything, as Philip reminded him again and again it was okay, it was okay.

Luckily, Rose hadn’t been furious or disgusted or anything Lukas had been expecting- she’d obviously cried when he said he wanted to break up with her, but she’d been completely supportive of him and agreed not to tell anyone until he was ready to come out.

Which was now. With Philip.

Philip had told Gabe and Helen the week before- it had never been much of a big deal to him because he’d correctly assumed they’d be fine with it- and both of them had been completely supportive. In fact, he guessed they were actually thrilled he’d told them, as it meant he trusted them. Since then he’d noticed how much easier the atmosphere in the house had been- all three of them had become much closer.

Now, he watched Lukas take a shaky breath. “What if…?”

“Shut up. Don’t talk yourself out of it.” Philip grabbed his hand- for a moment Lukas tensed, like he was going to lose his nerve and pull away, but Philip squeezed his fingers gently until he relaxed.

They exchanged a smile, Lukas’s smile small but sure, before Philip led them up the main steps to the school double doors. As they passed people, whispers broke out, people stared blatantly with confused and then understanding expressions. Someone behind them yelled out, “yo, Waldenbeck, is that your boyfriend?” to sniggering.

“Yeah, I am” Philip replied, turning round to nod at the stunned guy, before the two of them entered the school, hand-in-hand.


End file.
